The social proximity effect

My first semester of college brought many exciting opportunities for individual and career growth. Yet, it was still one of the worst times, socially and mentally, during my college career. I had yet to break into the social group I saw as a proper fit for me and hadn't met my later college roommates. I found myself desperately searching for people who shared any of my characteristics so that I could build a foundation for friendship. This led me to connect with a group of people I wouldn't otherwise have chosen as friends. Their experiences and interests didn't align with mine past one shared identifier, and their presence ended up being more detrimental than beneficial, defeating the purpose of building the initial camaraderie.

I changed how I dressed, the jokes I found funny, how I spoke, and how I spent my time- all to maintain this "friendship" I had built. It was emotional, back-breaking labor to hold, yet as time passed, it became less of a costume and more of an authentic reflection of who I was becoming.

German polymath and philosopher Johann Wolfgang von Goethe once said, "Tell me with whom you consort, and I will tell you who you are...if I know how you spend your time, then I know what might become of you."

Even centuries later, his words could not speak to the human experience more accurately. 

Think of Natural Selection- all beings and organisms have evolved to survive with the highest chance of thrivability based on their environment. If living in an arid climate, organisms might adapt to better utilize limited resources and better tolerate extreme temperatures. It is intrinsic to human nature that you will change, whether you change as an active choice to fit in with those around you or unconsciously adapt your actions and presentation as a byproduct of your environment.

When I switched schools as a child, I swore to my mother that the new classmates I sat with 8+ hours a day would not change my disposition, behaviors, or religious journey. I'm not sure if I believed it back then, but both my mother and I are now keenly aware of the shifts that began immediately in my new environment.

Change is inevitable, and cultivating our environment and community is the key to building ourselves up to our most optimal and authentic selves. This is easier said than done, of course, as when you attend school, your friends are often circumstantial or might be the best friends you ever had but be outgrown after graduation. The same goes for your career; coworkers are part of the same social system and design.

The stoic philosopher Epictetus hit the nail on the head nearly 2,000 years ago on this very topic.

"Above all, keep a close watch on this - that you are never so tied to your former acquaintances and friends that you are pulled down to their level. If you don't, you'll be ruined…you must choose whether to be loved by these friends and remain the same person or try to become a better person at the cost of these friends…if you try to have it both ways, you will neither make progress nor keep what you have."

Trust me when I say leaving my first "friends" in college was difficult. If the situation hadn't forced me to, I might have stayed and become exactly who I feared and pitied. I thank God daily for opening my eyes, even though his method was wildly uncomfortable.

One of the most challenging things is breaking away from a group or friend, even if we know they are not suitable for us. It brings uncertainty, vulnerability, and an uneasy clarity about how we might have changed as a byproduct or active choice of being in their circles. 

Simply acknowledging our environment's effects on us is never enough. We must remove ourselves from the situation to prevent continuing or relapsing into unsavory behaviors. 

A U.S. Department of Justice analysis of prison recidivism found that within one year of release, 43 percent of formerly incarcerated people were rearrested. Ten years later, rearrests jumped to 82%. 

Whether by choice or necessity, newly released individuals often found themselves back in the same propinquity that led them to commit crimes and not work to reach their true potential. Only after breaking free from that cycle can they fight the statistics.

Famed medieval Jewish scholar Maimonides said there are four steps to repentance. First, you stop the sinful act, then regret it and accept that you will not return to the sin, and finally, confess the action to God.

My Grandfather Zeydie Cincy, of blessed memory, added, "If, therefore, we seek renewal, then we must recognize that it cannot be achieved without reflection. Personality renewal, like the renewal of cities, requires planning."

Being in the wrong cohort is not the same as committing a sin or crime, but it often follows the same cycle. It is when we separate ourselves from these negative surroundings that we can begin to reconnect with ourselves and our values.

Dare to be uncomfortable, self-reflective, and respectful of your time and energy. Surround yourself with people you are proud to associate with, not because of what they can give you but because of who they are on an emotional and mental level. 

I moved to D.C. in my junior year of college, and in the six months I lived in that studio apartment and worked, I made only two or three genuine friends. This wasn't a product of a lack of trying for more; my desperation for people and community left me often stood up, laughed at, or downright unappreciated. Epictetus also said, "It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters." I actively chose not to let the rejections change my demeanor or my creativity in finding new venues for connection. 

Though small in numbers, those friends reinforced my belief in quality over quantity. They added to my life rather than simply being a part of it. That's the difference I've learned between a real friend and one purely circumstantial.

They had characteristics I admired and strived to be better people. As someone who wanted friends more than anything but curated them selectively (albeit not always by choice), it was painfully worth it. 

It is an undeniable truth that Stoics like Marcus Aurelius and our generation's athletes like Hans F. Hansen all wrote on. 

"Nothing is as encouraging as when virtues are visibly embodied in the people around us, when we're practically showered with them." (Marcus Aurelius)

I urge you to step back and pay attention to who you spend your life with. 

It's time to embrace our authenticity and yet, leave ourselves open to the people who will undoubtedly change us for the better.

I would be remiss not to end this article with another quote by my Zeydie Cincy, of blessed memory, who spoke to his synagogue congregation about 50 years ago on this very topic on Rosh Hashanah (Jewish New Year).

"The universal Coach seems to stand over us with the watch of destiny in his hand, calling to us, 'My children, get on your marks, get set, go.' 

"Godspeed to us all."